WonderWomanV5This is not my first time at the transition rodeo. My ex, who shall remain nameless as he lives stealth (meaning he is not out regarding his transition but rather lives as a biological male in a heterosexual relationship), began transition from female to male just a few months into our barely two year relationship. When Liam decided to transition, after a year or so of our reunion (we first dated in college nearly 30 years ago), I began to joke that my superpower was turning my girlfriends into men.

One needs a sense of humor about these things.

I didn’t intentionally date FTMs. In fact, when my ex and I got together it was the result of a personal ad on Yahoo: women looking for women. And Liam was still Lisa when we reunited; as far to the left of butch as possible but still female-identifying at the time.

It would be horribly egotistical of me to think that I was somehow responsible for the transition of two of my partners. However, I wasn’t surprised at either and I welcomed, embraced, and encouraged their journeys to live their authentic selves. I remember when I first met my ex, I noticed a distinct male energy about him even before he first hinted at not feeling at home in his body. We did all the research together and I came into this relationship prepared with a wealth of knowledge about transition. Liam and I talked fairly quickly about his ideas of being third gender and walking between worlds and that eventually led to a long process of discernment that has culminated in the decision to become what he terms “a new man.”

So of course I am often asked why I don’t just date men. Men who are born men. My friend Roxy recently said, “Though the gender identity of males born as males and males born as females is the same, their expression and the life that informs that identity are not.” And therein lies the difference. Males born as females have lived a life similar to my own—their experience forms an outlook on life that mirrors that in which I live. While I am not uncomfortable with biological males, I am much more comfortable with males born as females. I appreciate that, at least in the two instances I have first-hand knowledge of, they lived as lesbians and have had a somewhat (more so in Liam’s experience than in my ex’s) second- or third-wave feminist point of view (without all the gucky stuff that goes along with first-wave feminism but Liam has already addressed that here so I’ll move on).

After my ex and I broke up he told me that he felt we were meant to be together in order to lead each other home. He is at home in his body and my acceptance and support helped make that possible. He has a new life and a new love and I couldn’t be happier for both of them. I was lead back to Liam and I can’t imagine being with anyone else. Ever.

While I still struggle with my own identity (because I somehow feel I need a label), I am comfortable being the wife of a new man. No matter his gender expression, I am comfortable primarily because he is who he always has been and really, I have loved him all along. Superpower notwithstanding.

ImageIn my late twenties and early thirties I was somewhat of an asshat a big shot. I was all about appearances. I had a great job as a consulting art director in a big city, I had a beautiful house, a hot red sports car, and I only wore designer clothes. I chaired meetings and sat on judges’ panels for awards shows. I worried constantly about what others thought of me. I imagine the general consensus was not particularly favorable.

As the years have gone on, I’ve discovered that there is so much more to life than material possessions and outward appearances. I’ve tailored my job so that I work odd hours from home, leaving me wide open to do volunteer work at church, my son’s school, and various neighborhood organizations that I consider to be worthwhile. I am involved in political activism and social justice works. I am a member of several terrific organizations working toward change in our society. I sing in the choir and serve on several church committees. I also get to take time off to spend with family and have discovered that is the most important thing I can do.

A few weeks ago I was having an identity crisis of sorts. I was overloaded with laundry and cleaning and trying to figure out what to make for dinner yet again and I wound up throwing a pretty fabulous pity party for one. It seemed to me that I had been reduced to “wife” and “mother” and that’s all there was. I took stock of my daily routine and it suddenly felt so humdrum to me. The gym, the freelance work, the chores, the shuttle bus I run for my son’s activities, the endless grocery shopping and meal preparation…. I felt that Liam had this exciting life filled with grad school and speaking engagements and preaching and his transition. Everything in his life seemed to be about what might be, what could be—and everything in mine seemed to scream “this is what you have to look forward to for the next 20 years.” I felt lost and without purpose and ridiculously sorry for myself.

As so often happens when I mope about and wallow in my own mudhole of self-pity, I began to get bitch slapped upside the head with messages from the divine Creator. We attended a funeral for a friend’s mother that weekend and one of the pastors quoted a line from Thornton Wilder’s Our Town: “Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?” She talked of Helen’s love of even the most banal. She truly appreciated everything she was given at that time. I began to feel ashamed of my fretting and fussing.

Then today our pastor delivered a sermon about redefining who you are based upon the fact that, in light of our present (and future) economy, the American Dream is crumbling around our ankles. He spoke of letting go of that which we once held dear—all the possessions and stuff that used to mean so much to us—and embracing other ways of being in the world that are more meaningful. He talked of home and feeding and caring for one another. He talked of being present in ways that are about doing rather than acquiring. He talked of my life (just to me, of course!) just as it is now and made me feel grateful and joyful that I have been blessed with an abundance of gifts. Glorious non-tangible gifts that speak to my heart and nourish my soul.

We have a lovely house, it’s cluttered and warm and comfortable and in need of repairs that we’ll get to when we have time. I have a really good steady job that barely pays the bills and affords me lots of time to be there for my son when he most needs me during these formative years. I get to meet and work with amazing people in my call to ministry and my call to action, and I get to feed my family and stretch my imagination and budget every time I put dinner on the table.

I am not in physical transition like Liam, but I do feel that I am in somewhat of a spiritual transition. I don’t care much about what others think except that I do want to honor what is appropriate and good in the world. I’m done with trying to be perfect, I’d rather just be growing. I will never be rich or thin or particularly beautiful but our needs are met and I’m starting to make friends with my curves and my steel gray hair. I imagine I’ll still have times of self-doubt and a moment or two of “Bitter? Party of one!” but I’m learning, I think, to find grace in the mundane. I’m learning to realize life while I live it.

blowing-smokeThis past summer my husband and I attended a conference aimed at people in transition who were involved in the Faith community. Often, people will bring their spouses along for moral support and this was the second time we had attended this conference together. Because I, too, am involved in trans activism, we decided to divide and conquer the various workshop offerings; Liam (my husband) attended “Being and Becoming Men, ” for instance, while I went off to “Being and Becoming Women”. One of the offerings that I could not pass up was a “Partners in Progress” discussion. I have found that there is a dearth of information for those of us who are partners of people in active transition (or even partnered with those considering transition) and I was excited to hook up with like-minded individuals who might also be seeking discourse around our partners’ journeys. It was with excitement, anticipation, and a spring in my step that I entered the well-lit conference room on that late August afternoon.

There were two panelists, both women, seated at the front of the room. I took my place on the second row and noticed two men seated along the wall. It quickly became obvious that the women on the panel were partnered with these two trans men, and as I looked around the room I saw that most of the attendees were accompanied by their partners in varying stages of transition. Liam was off doing his own thing and I was doing mine and I didn’t give the dynamic another thought until someone asked the panelists if they had any difficulties with their partners’ transitions.

The response was astounding. They went on and on about what a “gift” they had been given to accompany their partners on this journey. They were thrilled. They were “blessed.” They were happy just to be support persons for their husbands.

They were full of shit.

And I called them on it.

I’m all about being honest and let me tell you something, this journey is not all wine and roses. Now, I wasn’t saying anything that I wouldn’t have said if Liam had been sitting right next to me, but I honestly felt that the response would have been somewhat different if their partners were not sitting in the same room.

It is not that easy. I love my husband. I do. And this is not a question of “Me thinks thou dost protest too much.” I find that I love my husband more every single day. But transition? Sometimes it just sucks. I celebrate every single milestone, I thrill to see the changes happening, I love to be part of giving him his shots of testosterone and accompanying him to the doctor’s office, and I couldn’t be happier knowing that he is finally beginning to be at peace with himself and comfortable in his skin. But really, it is hard sometimes and anyone who tells you otherwise is just blowing smoke up your ass.

I struggle with identity issues: am I still lesbian? Can I claim that? How do I wrap my head around “bisexual” when I’m not attracted to bio-males? Straight? I don’t want to live stealth, I’m too much of an LGBTQ activist. I struggle with all of the changes Liam is experiencing: I have the equivalent of two boys in puberty in my house…who can say that’s easy? I struggle with feminist issues I never knew I had: typical female roles that I’ve always taken on without issue in my lesbian relationships suddenly become fraught with political overtones when you are the female in a heteronormative (and I hate that word but when you are seen by the world at large as a male/female couple then heteronormative it is) relationship; my whole identity seems caught up in “wife” and “mother” and those words taste bad in my mouth like copper-tinted blood on my tongue. I struggle with staying the same while he grows and changes and has a whole new “him” to look forward to.

There are so many issues that come up. Some sneak up and bite me in the ass when I least expect them to. Some hit me full in the face with gale-force winds and I am knocked senseless by the enormity of my reactions. Some are lurking around dark corners and slide into my dreams at night so that when I wake in the morning I am dazed by a new uneasiness that lays upon me like a pall.

I could not get those women to admit, in front of their husbands, that they had any problems whatsoever. I felt angry with them for not affirming my insistence that we, as partners, have our own lives and should find our own voices. I am more than a sidekick to my superhero husband. I am finding my way in a world that has no real place for us; we are not even a counterculture, a subculture, a culture clash. I feel certain that they shared some of the same issues and concerns and I wish that, as visible partners, they had felt comfortable enough to express themselves honestly so that attendees (particularly the partners of people in very early transition) would feel vindicated rather than ashamed of their feelings. My hope is that next year I’ll be sitting on that panel and you can bet that I’ll balance their rainbows and glitter and unicorns with a little dose of well-meaning frankness. I want partners to be able to say, “yes, this is hard” and “oh my god, this sucks,” and “thank you for getting it” because sometimes that’s just what I need. Someone who gets it and lets me love my husband with all that I am but be frustrated at times, as well. In the end, I don’t want to be led by the blind, I want some signs that let me know what lies ahead. While the road may be bumpy at times, I’m still along for the ride.